Turning Confrontation to Collaboration...Getting the dialogue back on track

I had the opportunity to interview Sharon Wilson on a recent EDA webinar for which I am the featured presenter and host.

 

Sharon Wilson

 EDA - Economic Developers Alberta is collaborating with me to offer a Lunchinar (webinars at lunch) series. 

My colleague and friend Sharon Wilson, a Chartered Mediator and dispute resolution expert joined me on a recent webinar in the series, we were talking about turning a confrontation to a conversation.  All too often conversations go off the tracks and end up in a combative or confrontational dialogue.

Sharon talked about some of the barriers to collaboration and productive conversations, including:

 

• Self perception
• Hidden Expectations
• Covert communication
• Not paying attention to how we word our comments
• Speaking in a way that people can hear you
• Understanding non verbal communication
• Exploring the underlying needs in an issue.

People create more conflict when they push back in the conversation. Sharon suggested that one common problem is the tendency for people often jump in too early to solve the disagreement, and it derails the dialogue. What’s very important in avoiding this is to go below the surface discussion and really explore what is going on.   

Personality differences often get in the way, and of course emotions get in the way… so deal with these first.  

Ask yourself this question.... "Is how I am going to respond is going to move the conversation towards resolution or away from resolution?" This is a good guiding question in choosing your words carefully so that you actually advance the dialogue and keep it on track.

Sharon also pointed out that you can Use the WIN method:

When…

I think/feel/see

And next time….

The point of moving conflict to collaboration and respectful conversation is to build a bridge, and you can achieve this through active listening, the WIN method, and, asking questions. 

 The next EDA webinar is on the topic of Engaging employees in the workplace, on October 30.  You can find out more information and register here:  

Even if you can't join us live, it is a good idea to register so that you can still get the recording of the webinar and listen to it at your leisure.  You can register at:    http://www.edaalberta.ca/Default.aspx?pageId=68115&eventId=764041&EventViewMode=EventDetails

Small Things Become Bigger Things

The first time I heard Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup for the Soul, Success Principles, and, my mentor) speak he said “little things get bigger” and gave an example of going for a walk with a tiny pebble in your shoe. He asked the audience to think about what the pebble would feel like in one hour of walking on it. In partners we shared our perspectives. You got it! Most of the crowd said things like “I wouldn’t even last an hour with it in my shoe”, “it would feel huge after an hour” or “it would drive me nuts, I would not be pleasant to be with on the walk.”

Conflict is a lot like the pebble. If it is not dealt with, managed or resolved, it gets bigger. For many people conflict is very uncomfortable and a conversation they would rather avoid. As a former Correctional Officer and having been a mediator for more than ten years, I can tell you that avoidance usually never brings good results. Dealing with conflict early, before it can grow bigger, will definitely help the resolution process.

Some of the actions that help you become a little more comfortable having a conversation that involves a conflict  are:

•        To prepare for the conversation. Think about what you want to say. Practice saying it. If you don’t like how it landed, you can change it. Notice your non verbal language (this is why practice in front of a mirror is so helpful). Write down a few points about what you would like to say.
•        Get a good night sleep before the conversation.
•        Set your intention for success. Approach the conversation with hope and a willingness to resolve (instead of dread and fear).
•        Be careful not to make assumptions (about the other person, the issue or solution), assumptions are usually wrong.
•        Choose the right time, and right location to have the conversation.
•        Drink water (not coffee).
•        Remember to breath during the conversation. Sometimes in nervousness people hold their breath.
•        Slow the pace of your speaking ever so slightly, this can reduce anxiety in the moment.
•        Summarize the solutions or next steps before leaving the conversation.
•        And of course…. Follow up.

Remember, little things usually get bigger so addressing the issues sooner than later is an important first step.

What "Bounce Forward" Means to me

In the midst of re-creating our business brand, I put a stake in the ground.  I claimed the title Bounce Forward Expert.  Many people may wonder why I chose the brand "Bounce Forward" (TM).  I get asked as many questions as to what it means to me and how I implement it.  There is a, not short but, simple explanation and I would like to share it with you today.

When considering what stake I would claim I thought about the results I hoped to achieve with my clients, and what I want to be remembered for in my business.  The ideas, words, and values quickly spilled from my brain to the paper.  In an effort to make sense of this brain dump, a theme emerged.  I wanted to leave any business that I worked with better off than it was before we met.
Through my professional speaking, training, facilitation, consulting and mentoring services, I hoped that businesses and teams would become more resilient and inspired.  I figured if those two results became a reality, teams could pretty much survive (or even thrive) during change, challenge, adversity and crisis.
Our new brand "Bounce Forward" (TM) implies a sense of energy, movement and action, which are all critical to business success.
Life and business are really full of moments...moments that define you, moments that challenge you, moments that make you grow.  What we do in these moments really counts.  What we don't do in these moments also counts.  Any action, including no action, sets the stage for what comes next.
In essence, to "Bounce Forward"(TM) is to stand up, brush your knees off, and move forward when life's moments cause you to stumble or fall.  It is more than simply recovering or returning to the original state, which is how resilience is usually defined.  You can probably list numerous situations that you would never want to return to or simply recover from.  Recovering doesn't mean we are any better off.  Bouncing forward does!
So, in answer to why I chose the brand "Bounce Forward"(TM); I chose it for all the people and businesses that I would be working with that needed to reconcile the battles of change, challenge and adversity in order to step forward into their futures as resilient individuals and teams.

Act. Analyze. Adjust.

I have often heard this term Act, Analyze, Adjust associated with sales training; however I see such a strong connection and applicability for this in courageous dialogue and conflict management as well.
When faced with a difficult conversation, we must first determine the best course of action, then analyze how that action worked, and make adjustments as needed.
This process does require self reflection and, of course, being present, or in the moment, enough to pick up on how you and the other person are being impacted so that you can analyze and adjust in the discussion.
One of the best examples of this was a conversation I facilitated between a supervisor and a team member.  The friction between the two was quite intense and longstanding.  They had made other attempts to address and resolve the issues but had not been successful.  At one point, as we progressed through their conversation, the employee became very offended and defensive at something the supervisor had said.  Interestingly enough, it was the most supportive and attentive comment the supervisor had made in the whole conversation.  The supervisor was so taken back by the employee's comments that he simply sat there.  However, that silence seemed to be just what the employee needed to reflect on her reaction.  She was not really listening to what her supervisor had said, but had made an assumption and reacted.  The supervisor and I allowed the silence to continue for a short while.  It didn't take long for the employee to realize her error.  When she did she paused, reworded her comments calmly and the two discussed how the breakdown in their communication started and how they could move beyond these challenges in the future.  They assessed their actions, adjusted, acted and repeated this process with great success.

Sometimes the Way We Look at the Problem, IS The Problem

Another way to think about stress is through the outcomes you
experience in your life. For example, the quality of your relationships, your
satisfaction with a job, your current level of health and stress, and your
financial situation are all a result of how you have responded to situations,
events, and circumstances that have come up in your life.

You might be thinking: “There are lots of things that come up in life that
I have absolutely no control over.” And you are absolutely right! There are
many situations that go on in the workplace that you cannot control or
influence. In fact, there are events that arise in life that are completely out
of your control. It is important is to spend your energy, skills and time
focusing on what is within your ability to control or at least influence.

I discovered many years ago when I was a Correctional Officer that
sometimes the way people view a situation or event is actually the problem.
When you can change how you look at the event or view it through a
different lenses, sometimes the issue doesn’t seem so bad.

“Why is it that people always put their energy into the things that drives
them crazy…stuff that is completely out of their control?” asked a client
during a team building consultation.
“Tell me more about that. What do you mean?” I asked Joe, the team
lead. Joe had been with his company for 15 years, and according to him
he “had seen it all, and done it all.”

“Well, I have noticed that our staff meetings often go off on a different
tangent. It seems innocent at first but then I see the team’s energy
focusing on what they can’t change, such as company policy, the available
budget, and the current economic climate in the world. People get pretty
hot under the collar and it can be tough to bring them back to the rea
l world…our business.”

“Great question Joe, one that would be useful to explore when we meet
with the team. What’s your take on it, though?” I asked. Joe really
seemed to have his finger on the pulse of his team and had a vested
interest in building a resilient and inspired team.

Thinking for a few minutes, Joe responded, “Maybe when people focus
on what they can’t control they can assign blame, or look to who ‘should’
be responsible, instead of what they can actually influence or fix
themselves.”

“Interesting. So I wonder what gets in the way of the team having
THAT discussion.”

These two questions were soon a facilitated discussion that led to an
incredible team building process. The questions were: Why do team
members put energy into what is not within their direct control and?
And what is it that we can actually control or influence, and could we
explore putting our energy there instead? As the team explored looking

through a different set of eyes, they discovered that when they focused
only on the negative or what seemed broken the situation was far worse
than it was in reality. When the team focused on what was in their
control, they looked at that same event very differently, and focused
on solutions!


Excerpt from Charmaine Hammond’s Bounce Forward Book.

To read more about this topic, follow the blog, or you can order a copy of
Bounce Forward (the book or the soon to be released audio book) by
emailing chris.alcock@hammondgroup.biz for your signed copy.

Live Healthy, Cope Better

As many of you know I often speak about the importance of self-care. That is, how important it is for us to get exercise, drink lots of water, get proper rest and eat balanced meals if we are going to be able to handle conflict in a positive way and bounce forward. If we don't take care of ourselves we won't be able to deal with daily stress and other challenges very effectively. Exercise helps us exert energy and positive endorphins which helps relieve stress. Water keeps our bodies hydrated so that our brains aren't sluggish and we can better respond to our environment. Proper rest works also helps keep our minds sharp, alert and focused on the task at hand. Balanced meals give us the right kind and right amount of energy so that we are always at peak operating potential. There is no argument, self care is essential to effective conflict resolution and peaceful living.

I know the basics of self care. Much of it is common sense. However, there are others, experts, that can help us go deeper and really apply the principles of self care to our lives. Just ask Tara Marie Segundo, M.A. She is Fitness Expert and Personal Trainer. a radio talk show host and TV personality, freelance writer published in several top health and fitness magazines, and Pro Natural Figure Competitor based in New York City. Tara Marie is an excellent source of information and inspiration for anyone that believes in the importance of taking care of themselves so that they can be the best they can be every day. Visit Tara Marie Segundo at http://www.healthylife.net/RadioShow/archiveTM.htm to see hear this amazing woman share her knowledge and wisdom about self care.

We have so many demands placed on us everyday that it is easy to neglect ourselves. But, we need to make self care a habit if we are going to bounce forward and have healthy workplaces.

Personally Speaking

Have you ever been in a situation where a staff member, or staff members, continually raised their personal issues and complaints in team meetings or in front of other staff members? Since this situation is not that uncommon it is fairly certain that you have.

As a facilitator and former mediator, I witnessed this a great deal. The truth is, sometimes the intention is very innocent and not to embarrass, challenge or create a scene. In these cases, the person will often respond favorably to a gentle re-directing comment. "That sounds like a very important question you have, and one we might be able to better address one to one. How about you and I connect immediately following the team meeting?" will usually be met with a positive response and help to bring the meeting back to its initial focus.

However, there are other time where a person does have a bone to pick with a team member or supervisor and raises a personal issue in front of the team. The same type of statement could apply here, "That sounds like an important issue that perhaps you and Sue could talk about following the meeting." Sometimes there is value in checking to see if the issue is just one person's concern. Sometimes the group has a concern but only one person feels comfortable or has the courage to raise the issue. It is helpful to manage your emotions and response and to think carefully about how to proceed. If you notice a pattern, for example one team member constantly raises his/her concerns at team meetings instead of one to one, that would be a perfect topic for a one to one feedback discussion after the meeting. It would be very helpful to understand why the individual feels the need to voice and address issues in that way. There may be an opportunity for the "coaching conversation", a dialogue around alternative ways to address concerns.

Assumptions Often Lead to Trouble

Avoiding assumptions in relationships and communication is powerful skill. Easier said than done though, but generally, the assumptions that we make about other people are wrong. Rather than making assumptions, check the information with the person. Ask questions rather than making assumptions. It will certainly improve the communication and not get in the way of the relationship.

When assumptions are not checked out, a person runs the risk of acting on the assumption and creating another challenge. Generally speaking, people know when you have made an assumption about them (just as we do when others have made assumptions about us). Since assumptions often shape our actions, it is helpful to ensure that an inaccurate assumption is not leading behavior.

Despite all our best efforts, conflicts can still happen. If you find yourself in a conflict a conversation needs to be had. Don't delay this process. Be sure to write out what you want to discuss and practice it first but, have the conversation as quickly as possible. Discussing conflict requires people to communicate courageously. Keep these essential skills for managing conflict effectively in mind while having the discussion:

· courageous dialogue

· listening

· paraphrasing

· questioning

· empathy

Avoiding assumptions can help you avoid conflict. Keep these tips in mind and keep bouncing forward!

Seeking Stability

What do you do when your organization experiences a lot of change, growth and restructuring? It can be so hard to build trust in an ever changing and seemingly unstable environment. Change can be difficult, and team members don't all deal or cope with change in the same way. One surefire way to build trust is to communicate effectively, clearly, frequently and then repeat this process (again and again). Communication can build trust, minimize rumors, and enhance relationships. Another trust building action is to follow up, mean what you say and say what you mean. Let people know what is NOT changing, that is, what is staying the same. Too often we focus on what is changing, what will be different, and by stating what is not changing, you will provide reassurance and stability.

Communication is a very important component to building stability in the workplace. But, just like any other form of interaction, it can also increase the instability if not practiced properly. We have to be careful what we speak and how we speak. Essentially, we have to look at communication as an art, the art of speaking. Be sure to write down key points of what you would like to communicate to your team and rehearse it. I always suggest rehearsing in front of a mirror. This gives you the opportunity to not only hear how you are delivering the message but also to see how you are delivering your message.

Remember, in any difficult situation, communication is always the key to building trust, stability and a more positive work environment.