Small Things Become Bigger Things

The first time I heard Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup for the Soul, Success Principles, and, my mentor) speak he said “little things get bigger” and gave an example of going for a walk with a tiny pebble in your shoe. He asked the audience to think about what the pebble would feel like in one hour of walking on it. In partners we shared our perspectives. You got it! Most of the crowd said things like “I wouldn’t even last an hour with it in my shoe”, “it would feel huge after an hour” or “it would drive me nuts, I would not be pleasant to be with on the walk.”

Conflict is a lot like the pebble. If it is not dealt with, managed or resolved, it gets bigger. For many people conflict is very uncomfortable and a conversation they would rather avoid. As a former Correctional Officer and having been a mediator for more than ten years, I can tell you that avoidance usually never brings good results. Dealing with conflict early, before it can grow bigger, will definitely help the resolution process.

Some of the actions that help you become a little more comfortable having a conversation that involves a conflict  are:

•        To prepare for the conversation. Think about what you want to say. Practice saying it. If you don’t like how it landed, you can change it. Notice your non verbal language (this is why practice in front of a mirror is so helpful). Write down a few points about what you would like to say.
•        Get a good night sleep before the conversation.
•        Set your intention for success. Approach the conversation with hope and a willingness to resolve (instead of dread and fear).
•        Be careful not to make assumptions (about the other person, the issue or solution), assumptions are usually wrong.
•        Choose the right time, and right location to have the conversation.
•        Drink water (not coffee).
•        Remember to breath during the conversation. Sometimes in nervousness people hold their breath.
•        Slow the pace of your speaking ever so slightly, this can reduce anxiety in the moment.
•        Summarize the solutions or next steps before leaving the conversation.
•        And of course…. Follow up.

Remember, little things usually get bigger so addressing the issues sooner than later is an important first step.

Courageous Dialogue - not rocket science

When speaking at a Safety Conference recently I summed up Courageous Dialogue in this way…”Courageous Dialogue is the conversations that matter most and are mostly avoided. To communicate courageously we must realize it is not rocket science, but there is a bit of an art form to it.  We must get back to basics, do five things well and consistently to communicate courageously.”

The Basics Are:

1.    Speak with respect

·         Respectful and courteous communication

·         Wherever possible face to face or by phone (texting and emails only lead to bigger problems)

·         The skill of integrity and honesty

2.    Speak with clarity, confidence and credibility

·         Say what you mean (and mean what you say)

·         Remember that words are like tossing a pebble in the river (you never how they will land and how big a ripple they will make), choose your words carefully.

·         When you speak confidently and with credibility, people listen better

3.    Prepare

•       Jot some point form notes down (of what you would like to say)
•    Practice your side of the conversation
•      Avoid assumptions
•      Get the information you need (e.g. facts)
•      Work on leaving the past in the past

4.    Turn reactions to a response

•                 Manage your emotions
•                 If it feels like a trigger button has been pushed…breath, think before speaking and count to three in   your head, this will help your response be less of an emotional “push back”
•                  Instead of judgment try being curious (I wonder why the person just said this) and ask a question

5.    Have a mindset of communication success

•              Use affirmative language
•              Be hopeful and willing to discuss (and resolve)
•               Use powerful I AM statements (I am skilled, I am confident, I am looking forward to an opportunity to share our perspectives, I am willing to resolve, I am able to listen actively, I am clear in my communication).

Unfortunately, many people spend more time thinking about what to have for dinner, where to go on the weekend and what to wear to work, than they do preparing for the conversations that matter most. Lack of preparation is at the root of many conversations that have fallen off the tracks or where people are emotionally hurt. Let’s be clear…worrying, obsessing and gossip are not preparation. I hope these five basics help you prepare for your next courageous dialogue.

Turning Reaction Into Response

Three seconds can be enough time to turn a confrontation into a conversation! In my Bounce Forward book, and the presentations I lead on Courageous Dialogue, the concept of turning a reaction to a response is an essential skill set and mindset to conversational success.

Abraham Hicks says it so well:  “Even in your rightness about a subject, when you try to push your rightness toward another who disagrees, no matter how right you are, it causes more pushing against. In other words, it isn't until you stop pushing that any real allowing of what you want can take place.”

Essentially, the more you push your opinions and your positions on others, the more they push back.  This creates a sense of resistance or even power struggle in a conversation, and can quickly turn it from conversational to confrontational.

There are a few approaches you can master the art of turning reactions to responses:

·         Breathe!

·         Manage the chatter and internal dialogue racing through your mind. The thoughts shape your words and your outcomes). Replace the negative thoughts with natural or positive ones.

·         Ask questions- it is hard to be judgemental when you are being curious.

·         Listen to the other person’s perspective and ask yourself “what is he/she really saying?”  Listen for common ground.

·         Breathe some more!

As long as you are reacting, which comes from emotions, the likelihood of having to do a mulligan (a do over) is quite high as when you react, you are more likely to say, do or think things that you don’t mean.  Responding is a more thought out and less emotionally charged response. Next time you are in an emotional conversation, try turning your reactions into a response and see the impact it has on you and the other person. 

No Additives Here!

Recently we enjoyed a cup of coffee on the beach in California. The beach was busy with people basking in the sun , riding the waves and catching up on conversations while lounging in their beach chairs. As my husband and I sipped our coffee and enjoyed the view of the surf, I began to notice how many times these word were being used in different conversations around us: "yah...uh...no" and "But...ya...". The frequency of the use of these words seemed to detract from the conversations. It drew my attention and I noticed something interesting. The more frequent these words, the more it seemed the listener disengaged from the dialogue. While I am not saying that these filler words cause people to check out of conversations, it did provide me with an opportunity to consider what might work instead. Often my clients in communication and conflict resolution workshops tell me that:

1. Silence is uncomfortable so they just keep talking (although sometimes they say things they regret later, or are not clearly thought out for the listener)
2. Sometimes in conversations the brain doesn't work as fast as the mouth so extra and unnecessary words get tossed into the dialogue.
3. When a conversation is stressful or defensive, filler words give your brain a chance to try and find the words to say next

This moment on the beach was a great opportunity for self reflection, right there, in the moment. I asked myself how many times in conversations do I replace silence with filler words? When I have been uncomfortable in a dialogue, how do I manage the discomfort without impacting the conversation or changing the context of the discussions?

Next time you are in an awkward or uncomfortable silence, listen carefully to the words you speak. Are they clear? Do filler words creep in to mask your discomfort or create an appearance of informality? Are people checking out or zoning out of the dialogue too early?

Here are three tips for speaking with clarity and confidence in your next uncomfortable conversation:

1. Think in advance about your message...that is what you want to say. Take this one step further and practice saying your messages out loud. Listen carefully to the words that actually are spoken as sometimes what one thinks and what one says are not at all the same.
2. Imagine yourself on the receiving end of what you are about to say or are saying. How does it land? How clear is it? What's the defensiveness level? If you don't like how it is sounding, simply change it up or reframe what you are about to say.
3. Instead of filler words, take a breath or a pause. Trying counting to five in your head before responding or moving on to your next point in the conversation. Rushing doesn't exude confidence and we sometimes get lost in our thoughts so the message is stated in a disjointed or confusing manner. Breathing is a great way to improve conversation - and the good news is, you are doing it already, just be more conscious and mindful of breathing and slowing down in stressful conversations.

Remember, just like in food, additives in conversations can to be harmful to include!

Have a great day everyone! Chat with you again on Wednesday when I blog about "The Power of ONE".