How you end one conversation impacts how you start the next one

Communication can be one of the most important yet challenging skills. 

There are so many dynamics that influence communication, such as:

• Your frame of mind or mood
•  Relationship with the person you are speaking to, and past history
•  Assumptions
•  Language barriers
• Where the communication takes place
•  How the dialogue occurs (face to face, email, texting, etc.)
• Ability to listen effectively
•  Distractions (people, noises, location, technology, time, etc.)

And these are just a few of the many influences. 

Communication is an active process, one that involves listening, processing and speaking. Sometimes people combine two processes simultaneously, such as speaking while trying to listen.

I have always believed that beginnings and endings are so important, and that this concept applies to communication as well. How you begin a dialogue impacts the rest of the communication, how people hear your message, what assumptions they draw about your or your perspective, etc. Similarly, how you end a conversation will impact the next dialogue you enter into. 

Take this example....Mary had just left a stressful staff meeting where issues were left open, and people quickly retreated to their offices to have the “meeting after the meeting”. The tension in the air was thick, issues needed resolution and the team just talked around them. Irritated and stressed, she went into a meeting with a client. Her greeting was edgy, and almost off-putting. The frame of mind she left the staff meeting with was the one she brought into her client dialogue. Needless to say Jack the client noticed and the conversation took an awkward turn. Looking at his watch several times (and Mary who was generally very self-aware and present did not noticed), he stated they could perhaps pick up the conversation in a couple of days when he was back in town and had more time.

So, take some time to create clear, collaborative, compassionate and clean endings in your conversations, so you begin the next one in the same way.  Allow yourself a short transition between conversations. Remember to breathe. Imagine leaving one conversation at the door as you enter the next one. 

For more information on communication, contact us about Bounce Forward- building  resilient inspired and teams book and workshops.  www.charmainehammond.com

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Words of Wisdom from Winnie the Pooh

Not feeling heard is a common frustration in the workplace.  Taking time to listen.... to really listen is a gift you give to others.

How many times have you been in an important conversation and not feeling heard is getting in the way of resolution?  Instead of feeling frustrated, consider this perspective... just for a moment.:

If you are talking to someone and they are not listening, be patient. Maybe he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.” Winnie-the-pooh.  

 Isn’t this a great reminder of the importance in being patient in our conversations with others?  As a consultant facilitating teams through dialogue and team building processes, I often see the challenges in communication, one being listening and another being patience.  

Our world is often a “results now” environment, and communication does not necessarily work at the speed of light.   

For effective dialogue and building mutual understanding, we must take time to listen, and ask the right questions. 

Here are a few tips to build patience in communication:

1.   Be interested in the process (the communication itself), not just the outcome 
2.   Every time you find yourself jumping to a solution in your head, ask another question.  The best questions are those that are open ended (begin with ‘who, what, where, when, why and how’). 
3.   Implement the three second rule - wait three seconds before responding. 
4.   If you are not clear on what has been said, ask a question to clarify instead of making an assumption. Assumptions are typically incorrect.

·         Consider this- listening is a gift you give to the other person, and it is often reciprocated back to you. In the conflict resolution, communication and team building presentations that I deliver, listening is one of the foundational skill sets we discuss. Removing judgements, assumptions and blame can improve your dialogues in these three ways:

• more engagement and participation of the other person
• keeps the conversation forward moving and on track
• listening expands and so do the options for resolution 
  

What sailing taught me about communication!

Communication and Sailing have something in common? Other than the fact people talk to one another and call out directions while on a boat? 

Believe it or not, there are quite a few things we can learn about communication and courageous dialogue from sailing.

When you are sailing, you must always know your shoreline, and where you are intending to go, your course. Similarly in communication, you must also know your shoreline, the goal for the communication, and where you hope to get to. That does NOT mean coming into the dialogue with an answer you try and lead people to but rather a goal of resolution, or a move forward plan, or a goal to be heard, or a goal to understand your client's needs. Know your shoreline.




Awe well, when you are sailing, whether can change in a blink of an eye, the same is true for communication. In one second the conversation can go off course, get heated and emotional or even end. You must become exquisite at understanding and reading the energy in the conversation and what is not being said (non verbal communication). These serve as two of a handful of warning signs that something is changing in the dialogue.



When the weather changes and the sailing gets rough, fear can set in. Fear changes how you respond/react, how you process what is happening, the choices you make to manage the situation, and ultimately what happens next. Typically a fear based response or approach to communication doesn't lend itself to resolution...instead fear based statements build defensiveness and trigger the survival instincts which cause people to say things they regret later. As Shawne Duperon, media expert, says "When knowledge goes up, fear goes down." You can manage your fear by being prepared and skilled. When you manage your own fear, the anxiety levels in those around you will also decrease.



And in sailing when the sailboat overturns, you must right the boat. The same is true in dialogue. When a conversation goes off course, you say something hurtful or offensive, or the conversation gets turned upside down or loses it shoreline, you must right the conversation. This can happen through an authentic sincere apology, a question of curiosity to understand what just happened, or a statement to respectfully get the conversation righted and back on course. The three actions that help you stay on course are: apologies, forgiveness (or self and others), and a move forward commitment and statement of hope.



These were some of the many tips I provided on a Tele Seminar about Courageous Dialogue and Conscious Communication, I was interviewed by Jenn August on the Wealthy Warrior Mindset series. You can access these free recordings by registering at: https://beyondbusiness.infusionsoft.com/go/wmwcall/a227/


To access your free Courageous Dialogue ebook ( a gift from me to you) go to:


http://tinyurl.com/charmainegift

http://tinyurl.com/charmainespecial



Until next time.... keep your communication sailing smooth

Non-Verbal Communication...is it helping or hurting your communication?

Great article by Gary Genard- I really enjoy observing non-verbal communication and how it impacts a message… negatively or positively. As an expert in conflict resolution and having worked as a Correctional Officer in jails, and as a mediator facilitating the resolution of hundreds of complex conflicts, studying non-verbal communication was important. When I worked in the jails, most of the communication that was most important between inmates (e.g. a riot, a planned escape, etc.), happened through non-verbal communication. Learning this kept me safe…well some of the time anyhow.


Non-verbal communication impacts how messages are understood. People draw many assumptions about the meaning of non-verbal communication which often leads to misunderstandings.






In Genards’ article he talks about the importance of non-verbal communication for speakers and presenters, I believe his perspectives are equally as important for anyone in the role of presenting information to others, which includes leaders, supervisors and those involved in selling products or services. He urged readers to ensure they do the following in their presentations:

1. Avoid split focus

2. Ensure a balanced stance and body language

3. Keep your body language open and easily understood (minimize risk for confusing messages and definitely avoid the “fig leaf”)

4. Don’t pace around the stage or room (Genard called this the tiger in the cage movement), instead, move with a sense of purpose.

Check out his article here:
http://www.publicspeakinginternational.com/blog/bid/140221/5-Body-Language-Errors-that-Will-Sink-Your-Presentation?goback=%2Egde_2272436_member_117015643


Next time you are in front of a group of colleagues, making a presentation to your board, pitching an idea at staff meeting, or on the stage speaking to an audience, pay special attention to your non-verbal language. Are you conveying the message you want others to remember? Is your verbal communication consistent with your non-verbal language?

Here are few tips to help you improve your non-verbal communication:

- Practice in front of a mirror

- Practice in front of a small audience you trust, and ask for specific feedback. Note: “that was awesome”, “well done”, or “good job” is not clear. Ask them to identify how your non-verbal language helped or hindered your message and why.

- Best tip: video tape yourself…. The camera never lies.



Bounce Forward...getting resilience on the HR agenda

Recently I had the opportunity to be a guest speaker for HR.Com in their virtual conference. My topic was Bounce Forward- building resilience at work.  During the webcast, some great conversations and questions were generated around: building resilience, making resilience a higher priority, building team charters, and how to help the team bounce forward during change, challenge, adversity and crisis. 

Resilience is an important topic to get on the HR agenda’s in workplaces. One of my key messages during this presentation is that “the time is now!” to build the business Bounce Forward.  My book, Bounce Forward has four components...

1) Courageous Dialogue- having the conversations that matter most (and are mostly avoided)

2) Teamwork by design- not by default

3) Managing stress and boosting resilience

4) the ASK

You can access the webcast recording here:

http://www.hr.com/en/webcasts_events/webcasts/archived_webcasts_and_podcasts/bounce-forward--building-inspired-and-resilient-te_h1h8lt3j.html

Here are some of the tips I shared on the webcast:

- Take time to build the team

- Resolve issues effectively and as they arise

- Practice and prepare for challenging conversations

- Ask for help

- Set three priorities per day

- Build a team charter

- Create opportunities that build trust and improve relationships

- Help others discover their passion and purpose and connect activities to these

As you move into the second half of 2012, what will you do to make sure you are bouncing forward....that you are resilient?  Simply taking one action each day towards building resilience and your ability to bounce forward results in 365 actions in a year!

Two Words That Impact Everything!

The words I AM impact everything. Your “I AMs” impact your thinking. Your thoughts impact your speech- how you speak and what you say, the words you choose. Your speech impacts how your message is received, how you are compelled to step in to action, and of course your results.

In your next conversation, pay attention to the I AMs that you say before the dialogue. For example, in a presentation I was leading, one participant talked about a conversation she was dreading, in fact she was hoping a migraine headache would come on to get her out of the conversation. She chose words like “Oh, I am dreading this phone call!”, “I AM so nervous- The last time I had to address conflict I bombed.”, “I am not ready for this.” Imagine how her I AMs will impact the words she says, and the manner in which the words come out. After applying the strategies I was modeling in this presentation, she said “I am looking forward to the conversation- it is a chance to put this issue to rest. I Am prepared and skilled. I am looking forward to sharing my perspective with her.” Now imagine the impact of the reframed I AMs.

When your I AMs are not helpful, you can toss them out and reframe and replace them with more affirming
and useful I AMS.  Your I AMs impact your results!  Choose them wiesely.

As you prepare for your next conversation, pay attention to the I AMs that are in your mind…they affect everything, including your results.

Small Things Become Bigger Things

The first time I heard Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup for the Soul, Success Principles, and, my mentor) speak he said “little things get bigger” and gave an example of going for a walk with a tiny pebble in your shoe. He asked the audience to think about what the pebble would feel like in one hour of walking on it. In partners we shared our perspectives. You got it! Most of the crowd said things like “I wouldn’t even last an hour with it in my shoe”, “it would feel huge after an hour” or “it would drive me nuts, I would not be pleasant to be with on the walk.”

Conflict is a lot like the pebble. If it is not dealt with, managed or resolved, it gets bigger. For many people conflict is very uncomfortable and a conversation they would rather avoid. As a former Correctional Officer and having been a mediator for more than ten years, I can tell you that avoidance usually never brings good results. Dealing with conflict early, before it can grow bigger, will definitely help the resolution process.

Some of the actions that help you become a little more comfortable having a conversation that involves a conflict  are:

•        To prepare for the conversation. Think about what you want to say. Practice saying it. If you don’t like how it landed, you can change it. Notice your non verbal language (this is why practice in front of a mirror is so helpful). Write down a few points about what you would like to say.
•        Get a good night sleep before the conversation.
•        Set your intention for success. Approach the conversation with hope and a willingness to resolve (instead of dread and fear).
•        Be careful not to make assumptions (about the other person, the issue or solution), assumptions are usually wrong.
•        Choose the right time, and right location to have the conversation.
•        Drink water (not coffee).
•        Remember to breath during the conversation. Sometimes in nervousness people hold their breath.
•        Slow the pace of your speaking ever so slightly, this can reduce anxiety in the moment.
•        Summarize the solutions or next steps before leaving the conversation.
•        And of course…. Follow up.

Remember, little things usually get bigger so addressing the issues sooner than later is an important first step.