Forgiving the unimaginable... the choice is yours.

A little girl who was in audience at a school presentation I did last year answered this to the question of where forgiveness comes from: “It comes from in my heart!” and she touched her heart with her hand. Besides absolutely melting in that moment, I was reminded about how simple the concept is for children, and how they identify this action of forgiveness with a place in their body, and an emotion to match.

Azim Khmaisa spoke about forgiveness in an equally emotive and compelling manner. I had the opportunity to interview Azim on my Corporate Conversations Radio Show, you can listen in here (Azim’s interview is in the last 30 minutes of the show):

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/charmainehammond/2012/06/06/guests-tara-marie-segundo-and-azim-khamisa


Sadly, the unimaginable, every parent's nightmare happened. Azim’s teenage son was murdered by another teen, a tragedy that most families would struggle to move beyond. The pain and loss his family experienced is almost unimaginable for me. Through forgiveness, Azim said that this tragedy has made him a better person in that he has a deeper sense of peace. Forgiveness allowed Azim to pursue an important global mission, which is to make certain that no father, grandfather, friend or family has to ever experience what they have. His mission has helped him find peace and make a difference in the lives of tens of thousands of people.

In talking about how forgiveness works, and how he was able to forgive the young man who took his son’s life, Azim explained that forgiveness beings with first understanding forgiveness. It is not about condoning a person’s behaviour. The other choice would be to stay in anger, and resentment which is really a form of self abuse. And, as Azim explained, would not provide any quality of life. Instead, Azim chose to forgive his son’s murderer and in a sense it freed Azim to live.

Azim is on a mission to stop violence, and the cycle of violence that our society is so plagued with, and helping him with this mission is the grandfather of the boy (who is now a man) who took his son’s life. Forgiveness really has two components, forgiveness of self, and forgiveness of others. Azim explained that there is great need to explore forgiveness in the workplace, not only in family or community.

Azim visits workplaces to speak about forgiveness and what he calls Compassionate Confrontation, similar to what I describe as Courageous Dialogue. Compassionate Confrontation involves five questions:

1. What happened? This question is about acknowledgement.

2. What were your thoughts and feelings when it happened? This helps the person process his/her anger.

3. What are your thoughts and feelings now?

4. Who was harmed and why?

5. How do we make it better? This question is about opportunity



Take a look around in your team, and within yourself. What situations require forgiveness and closure? How can you take the lead in forgiving to move forward? How could Azim’s five questions help you explore resolution and ensuring that similar challenges to the one you are reflecting upon, do not occur again?

Courageous Dialogue - not rocket science

When speaking at a Safety Conference recently I summed up Courageous Dialogue in this way…”Courageous Dialogue is the conversations that matter most and are mostly avoided. To communicate courageously we must realize it is not rocket science, but there is a bit of an art form to it.  We must get back to basics, do five things well and consistently to communicate courageously.”

The Basics Are:

1.    Speak with respect

·         Respectful and courteous communication

·         Wherever possible face to face or by phone (texting and emails only lead to bigger problems)

·         The skill of integrity and honesty

2.    Speak with clarity, confidence and credibility

·         Say what you mean (and mean what you say)

·         Remember that words are like tossing a pebble in the river (you never how they will land and how big a ripple they will make), choose your words carefully.

·         When you speak confidently and with credibility, people listen better

3.    Prepare

•       Jot some point form notes down (of what you would like to say)
•    Practice your side of the conversation
•      Avoid assumptions
•      Get the information you need (e.g. facts)
•      Work on leaving the past in the past

4.    Turn reactions to a response

•                 Manage your emotions
•                 If it feels like a trigger button has been pushed…breath, think before speaking and count to three in   your head, this will help your response be less of an emotional “push back”
•                  Instead of judgment try being curious (I wonder why the person just said this) and ask a question

5.    Have a mindset of communication success

•              Use affirmative language
•              Be hopeful and willing to discuss (and resolve)
•               Use powerful I AM statements (I am skilled, I am confident, I am looking forward to an opportunity to share our perspectives, I am willing to resolve, I am able to listen actively, I am clear in my communication).

Unfortunately, many people spend more time thinking about what to have for dinner, where to go on the weekend and what to wear to work, than they do preparing for the conversations that matter most. Lack of preparation is at the root of many conversations that have fallen off the tracks or where people are emotionally hurt. Let’s be clear…worrying, obsessing and gossip are not preparation. I hope these five basics help you prepare for your next courageous dialogue.

Act. Analyze. Adjust.

I have often heard this term Act, Analyze, Adjust associated with sales training; however I see such a strong connection and applicability for this in courageous dialogue and conflict management as well.
When faced with a difficult conversation, we must first determine the best course of action, then analyze how that action worked, and make adjustments as needed.
This process does require self reflection and, of course, being present, or in the moment, enough to pick up on how you and the other person are being impacted so that you can analyze and adjust in the discussion.
One of the best examples of this was a conversation I facilitated between a supervisor and a team member.  The friction between the two was quite intense and longstanding.  They had made other attempts to address and resolve the issues but had not been successful.  At one point, as we progressed through their conversation, the employee became very offended and defensive at something the supervisor had said.  Interestingly enough, it was the most supportive and attentive comment the supervisor had made in the whole conversation.  The supervisor was so taken back by the employee's comments that he simply sat there.  However, that silence seemed to be just what the employee needed to reflect on her reaction.  She was not really listening to what her supervisor had said, but had made an assumption and reacted.  The supervisor and I allowed the silence to continue for a short while.  It didn't take long for the employee to realize her error.  When she did she paused, reworded her comments calmly and the two discussed how the breakdown in their communication started and how they could move beyond these challenges in the future.  They assessed their actions, adjusted, acted and repeated this process with great success.