Words of Wisdom from Winnie the Pooh

Not feeling heard is a common frustration in the workplace.  Taking time to listen.... to really listen is a gift you give to others.

How many times have you been in an important conversation and not feeling heard is getting in the way of resolution?  Instead of feeling frustrated, consider this perspective... just for a moment.:

If you are talking to someone and they are not listening, be patient. Maybe he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.” Winnie-the-pooh.  

 Isn’t this a great reminder of the importance in being patient in our conversations with others?  As a consultant facilitating teams through dialogue and team building processes, I often see the challenges in communication, one being listening and another being patience.  

Our world is often a “results now” environment, and communication does not necessarily work at the speed of light.   

For effective dialogue and building mutual understanding, we must take time to listen, and ask the right questions. 

Here are a few tips to build patience in communication:

1.   Be interested in the process (the communication itself), not just the outcome 
2.   Every time you find yourself jumping to a solution in your head, ask another question.  The best questions are those that are open ended (begin with ‘who, what, where, when, why and how’). 
3.   Implement the three second rule - wait three seconds before responding. 
4.   If you are not clear on what has been said, ask a question to clarify instead of making an assumption. Assumptions are typically incorrect.

·         Consider this- listening is a gift you give to the other person, and it is often reciprocated back to you. In the conflict resolution, communication and team building presentations that I deliver, listening is one of the foundational skill sets we discuss. Removing judgements, assumptions and blame can improve your dialogues in these three ways:

• more engagement and participation of the other person
• keeps the conversation forward moving and on track
• listening expands and so do the options for resolution 
  

Conflict – Get to the heart of what matters – not to who is wrong

Recently I was interviewed by Matt Townsend on Sirius FM Radio. We were talking about conflict resolution and some of the best tips to manage conflict in families. The same principles I shared, work for workplace conflicts as well. A relationship is a relationship. We must be respectful, we must show compassion, and understanding is critical.

One of the listeners called in and asked a question about defusing conflict. Here are the tips I provided:

1) Watch how you show up in the conversation. If you show up to get even or be right, the conversation will take in a defensive and combative tone. If you show up to understand and find resolution the conversation will be more collaborative.

2) Anticipate the “push back” and handle with ease, respect and dignity. The push back is the moment someone reacts, emotionally, for example, a person becomes defensive. Usually this involves “the hook” or the trigger word, and then leads to the back and forth reactions, with absolute no listening or understanding happening.  This is what you want to avoid:

3) Prepare. Sadly people spend more time choosing their outfits or planning their holidays then they do preparing for the most important conversations in a relationship. Prepare and show up to understand and resolve, not to win.

4) When the conversation gets repetitive, let the other person know that you understand or that you heard them.  Remove the sarcasm from the words and the conversation.

5) Negotiate ground rules (I call them courtesies) for your conversations; agree to how you each want to manage these conversations in your relationship. Choose a word that resonates for you both when there is a need to repair and do the “do over” or “redo.” This could be a simple as “ I need a chance to do a mulligan” - a mulligan is a do over. Whether the conversation is about how many times you have had to unload the dishwasher or who did or did not fill up the car with gas, why the report was not completed on time, or why the finances are in chaos, communication is key to getting through it.

 

Get to the heart of what matters, not to the heart of who's right.

Don’t keep score, but if you must and can’t help yourself, keep score of all the wonderful things the person does for you….. I’m sorry.  Two important words that go a long way.

 

What sailing taught me about communication!

Communication and Sailing have something in common? Other than the fact people talk to one another and call out directions while on a boat? 

Believe it or not, there are quite a few things we can learn about communication and courageous dialogue from sailing.

When you are sailing, you must always know your shoreline, and where you are intending to go, your course. Similarly in communication, you must also know your shoreline, the goal for the communication, and where you hope to get to. That does NOT mean coming into the dialogue with an answer you try and lead people to but rather a goal of resolution, or a move forward plan, or a goal to be heard, or a goal to understand your client's needs. Know your shoreline.




Awe well, when you are sailing, whether can change in a blink of an eye, the same is true for communication. In one second the conversation can go off course, get heated and emotional or even end. You must become exquisite at understanding and reading the energy in the conversation and what is not being said (non verbal communication). These serve as two of a handful of warning signs that something is changing in the dialogue.



When the weather changes and the sailing gets rough, fear can set in. Fear changes how you respond/react, how you process what is happening, the choices you make to manage the situation, and ultimately what happens next. Typically a fear based response or approach to communication doesn't lend itself to resolution...instead fear based statements build defensiveness and trigger the survival instincts which cause people to say things they regret later. As Shawne Duperon, media expert, says "When knowledge goes up, fear goes down." You can manage your fear by being prepared and skilled. When you manage your own fear, the anxiety levels in those around you will also decrease.



And in sailing when the sailboat overturns, you must right the boat. The same is true in dialogue. When a conversation goes off course, you say something hurtful or offensive, or the conversation gets turned upside down or loses it shoreline, you must right the conversation. This can happen through an authentic sincere apology, a question of curiosity to understand what just happened, or a statement to respectfully get the conversation righted and back on course. The three actions that help you stay on course are: apologies, forgiveness (or self and others), and a move forward commitment and statement of hope.



These were some of the many tips I provided on a Tele Seminar about Courageous Dialogue and Conscious Communication, I was interviewed by Jenn August on the Wealthy Warrior Mindset series. You can access these free recordings by registering at: https://beyondbusiness.infusionsoft.com/go/wmwcall/a227/


To access your free Courageous Dialogue ebook ( a gift from me to you) go to:


http://tinyurl.com/charmainegift

http://tinyurl.com/charmainespecial



Until next time.... keep your communication sailing smooth

Courageous Dialogue... having the conversations most of us avoid

Communication can be one of the most complex aspects of relationships, whether it be personal or professional relationships. There is always the illusion that just because you are talking, that you are being heard, and understood. The reality is, that isn't quite how it works. 

We zone out!

That's right. In conversation people zone out.... then they zone back in.

I have read a number of research reports and some of the similar opinions are that:

•  In 7 out of every 10 minutes we are in some form of communication with another person (that could be through email, listening, phone, in person, meetings, presenting, etc.)

•   In a typical business day, we spend 45% of our time listening, 30% of our time talking, 16% reading and 9% writing. Listening is really the most important skill but the challenge I most frequently see is that people listen with filters on (their own judgements, assumptions, planning what they are going to say instead of actually absorbing what is being said, distractions, a past that shadows the current conversation, fear, etc.)

•  Humans generally listen at a 25% comprehension rate

•  The average person talks at a rate of 125-175 words per minute, listens at a rate of 125-250 words per minute, but thinks at a rate of 1000-3000 words per minute. This processing gaps creates opportunities for challenges in listening, miscommunication, and misunderstandings. 

•  Less than 2% of all professionals have had formal education or learning to understand and improve listening skills and techniques. When I was being trained and certified as a mediator, being educated on listening and speaking was a significant part of the program. Once I began mediating on a full time basis through the business we opened, I understood why. Listening is the most essential skill in courageous dialogue.

Recently I was interviewed by Jenn August on the Wealthy Warrior Mindset Tele Series, and we talked about this very topic, courageous dialogue.  I shared some of the common reasons misunderstandings occur: assumptions, preconceived solutions, drama, history and past, fear, unhelpful communication habits, and not listening. These are the most common pinch points that I see in the corporations that I provide training or team building for.

We also talked about the importance of mulligans.  The do-over in the moment. Far too often people say something they regret later, or miss an opportunity to clarify a misconception. The best rule of thumb is to be integral, transparent, and ask for a do-over or mulligan opportunity. This allows the conversation to get back on track.

I am reminded of Sarah, a team member in an organization I was called into facilitate a team building session for. Sarah was quick to respond, often jumped in emotionally to other's comments, and had such a nervous/agitated energy that the conversations almost took on an element of anxiousness.  In working with the team, I encouraged each of them to apply what I call The Three Second Rule. Breathe, then count to three slowly in your head before responding. This helped Sarah so much that her team began communicating with her differently. She seemed to relax and frame her statements in a way that were easier to hear.

You can listen to the rest of the conversation that Jenn August and I had and down load a special gift on courageous dialogue by following these links:

To access your free Coureagous Dialogue ebook go to:
http://tinyurl.com/charmainegift


http://tinyurl.com/charmainespecial

Register and have access to the free interviews and recordings: https://beyondbusiness.infusionsoft.com/go/wmwcall/a227/

A Few Take Away Tips for Courageous Dialogue:

1. Prepare for the conversations that matter most. Think in advance about what you want to say and how you will frame it. What assumptions do you need to clear? Pick the right time, and the right place to meet.
2.  Set some courtesies for the conversation (such as "we all have different perspectives on the issue. Let's make sure we hear each other out without interruption and consider all perspectives." or "Can we commit to letting each other finish their thoughts without interruption?")
3. Clarify meaning and check intent rather than make an assumption about what someone means. Ask open ended questions (who, what, where, when, why and how).
4. Manage your thoughts, they shape how you communicate, what you hear and how you resolve situations.
5. Bring a collaborative mindset into the room with you. How you show up matters!
(and... remember to breathe!)





 
 

We are always communicating...

Are you an observer? When I travel, one of my favorite opportunities to watch human dynamics and communication in real time is to observe my surroundings. You learn about how different people manage stress in the same situation.

For example, when the luggage comes down the conveyor belt and people are patiently (or not) waiting for their bags to make their way to them, watch the reactions on faces as time passes, or their bags don’t show up. One gentleman laughed and said “Excellent! I needed a shopping trip on someone else’s dime.” Another kicked his cart and stomped off to the customer service desk and spoke so loudly and aggressively we could hear amidst all the airport noise.

Another way to learn about people is to listen. Listen to what is being said, how the message is being communicated and the reaction of the person on the receiving end of the message.

One stressed parent said to their tired child “if you don’t pull it together, I am leaving you here and we’ll go see grandma without out” (note the child was about four years old). Another parent said to their tired and agitated child “let’s count all the people with flip flops to pass the time”, took out a note pad and started tracking answers then said “I am really enjoying our time together right now and how well behaved you are. Thank you!”

And a third way to learn is just by enjoying the conversations occurring around you. And sometimes you hear things you just don't want to hear ….this is what the lady next to me said on the airplane. ”Can I borrow a Kleenex to blow my nose”

Communication is interesting, and just because we are talking doesn't mean others are understanding our message clearly.  Saying what you mean, and meaning what you say is an art and a science. Thinking through the message before voicing it is a great place to start.

Quiet the Mind, Open the Heart

How fun to have my photo beside Lindsay Wagner! I was the opening guest on a radio show we both presented on. I must say...it was awfully fun to be side by side, even though it was virtually, with the bionic woman, a show that I watched faithfully in my pre-teens years ago.

The bionic woman, Jamie Sommers, reminds us of the importance of listening. While on the show, Lindsay Wagner's character had amplified hearing in her right ear. We can be reminded of the importance of listening. I mean really listening. Another lesson is that of discerning what information is to be shared, and what is not. Often on the show Jamie would receive a message that said Top Secret...This information is classified. I find far too often information that should not be shared or divulged is communicated, and this can break trust, and certainly create other challenges in the workplace. Listening and knowing how to effectively manage the information we glean from listening is a critical skill in building and maintaining relationships.

Is there a relationship, work or personal, that you need to practice better listening with? Do something about it today! Make it a point to focus during conversations with that person and really listen to what they say. Set it as a goal to play a part in enhancing that relationship by by coming into the conversation prepared to be present!