Workplace Boundaries- can solve conflict and improve communcation

Boundaries are an essential part of building healthy relationships, however, having unclear boundaries can create a number of challenges.  Sharon Sayler was a guest on my Conversations with Charmaine Radio Show and we talked about boundaries, communication and the art of saying no. 

Sharon talked about boundaries in the workplace, and that “loose” boundaries can demonstrate a lack of respect for each other. It can create confusion and sometimes unwanted behaviors because the boundaries weren’t clear.  Clear and healthy boundaries result in everyone knowing the framework for relationships and communication, and can actually be preventative.

Here is the link to our discussion so you can listen to the great tips shared by Sharon:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/charmainehammond/2013/05/08/guests-monika-burwise-and-sharon-sayler

Communication is a challenge that many teams face… and Sharon reminded us that men and women do communicate differently on some levels.  For example, their language is different, women will often use the term “issue or challenge” whereas men may refer to this as “problem.”  Language can impact how we listen to others, interpret their message, and, what with do with what we hear. 

Sharon talked about saying no…without guilt.  “When you don’t know the value of saying yes, you won’t know the value of saying no”, what a powerful statement this is. It reminds us to think carefully about our choices and to know that conflict sometimes surfaces when you dodge the “no.”

Here are a few tips to help with boundaries.

First, differentiate between a “need” and a “want.”  Take the conversation to the “need” level, this is where you begin to really understand a person’s underlying interests and motivators. Then ensure you minimize assumptions and the “they should have known” statements.  

Second, if someone's behavior, actions or communication is bothering you, provide them with respectful feedback. People can't change their actions if they don't know there is a problem. 

Third, practice the art of saying no. Say no to little requests to start. If you say YES to everything, there is no time or energy to do the things you really want.

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For more information, contact charmaine@hammondgroup.biz to get your copy of Bounce Forward- Courageous Dialogue.

Conflict – Get to the heart of what matters – not to who is wrong

Recently I was interviewed by Matt Townsend on Sirius FM Radio. We were talking about conflict resolution and some of the best tips to manage conflict in families. The same principles I shared, work for workplace conflicts as well. A relationship is a relationship. We must be respectful, we must show compassion, and understanding is critical.

One of the listeners called in and asked a question about defusing conflict. Here are the tips I provided:

1) Watch how you show up in the conversation. If you show up to get even or be right, the conversation will take in a defensive and combative tone. If you show up to understand and find resolution the conversation will be more collaborative.

2) Anticipate the “push back” and handle with ease, respect and dignity. The push back is the moment someone reacts, emotionally, for example, a person becomes defensive. Usually this involves “the hook” or the trigger word, and then leads to the back and forth reactions, with absolute no listening or understanding happening.  This is what you want to avoid:

3) Prepare. Sadly people spend more time choosing their outfits or planning their holidays then they do preparing for the most important conversations in a relationship. Prepare and show up to understand and resolve, not to win.

4) When the conversation gets repetitive, let the other person know that you understand or that you heard them.  Remove the sarcasm from the words and the conversation.

5) Negotiate ground rules (I call them courtesies) for your conversations; agree to how you each want to manage these conversations in your relationship. Choose a word that resonates for you both when there is a need to repair and do the “do over” or “redo.” This could be a simple as “ I need a chance to do a mulligan” - a mulligan is a do over. Whether the conversation is about how many times you have had to unload the dishwasher or who did or did not fill up the car with gas, why the report was not completed on time, or why the finances are in chaos, communication is key to getting through it.

 

Get to the heart of what matters, not to the heart of who's right.

Don’t keep score, but if you must and can’t help yourself, keep score of all the wonderful things the person does for you….. I’m sorry.  Two important words that go a long way.

 

Be And Give What You Wish to Receive

When I saw Rev. Patrick Cameron speak at Empowering Edmonton in November 2011, he said “you have to be what you wish to receive.”  If you want to receive support, give support. If you want to receive ideas, give ideas. If you want to receive acknowledgement, give acknowledgement.  I thought this was such a great quote and one that could really help take our conversations, courageous dialogue and team relationships to new levels of success.

For example, if you want to receive more trust… give trust.

If you want to receive more respect….give more respect.

If you want to receive more patience from others…show more patience.

In my presentations I always talk about “how you show up is everything’ and “make your moments matter”.  One way to make your moments matter and ensure you are showing up as your best version of YOU is to give and be what you want to receive from others.  Another way is to do the ASK. Let others know what it is you need, and ASK others how you can be of help or in service to them.   When you ASK, others can make an ASK of you! It creates a cycle of reciprocity much like the one created by being what you wish to receive.

I first started to learn about ASKing from Jack Canfield.  A great book to teach you about some of the principles to success, is The Success Principles, by my mentor Jack Canfield.

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How do you Pay It Forward?

One of my all time favorite movies is Pay It Forward, in fact I loved the book too. It helps us understand the importance and ongoing impact of paying it forward after a good deed, an act of kindness and service. For many years this has been my mantra, and approach to life and business, and it has served me well.




Several years ago, in February, Kindness Month, I had the opportunity to work with The Kindness Crew. Four friends from BC formed The Kindness Crew and toured the world after 911 extending Random Acts of Kindness, I met them in 2007 at the Wood Buffalo Expo. I watched firsthand how the concept of Pay it Forward resonated with the audience.



In business, in teams and customer service, there is a lot to be said about paying it forward. When your team extends patience, kindness, quality service, respect, trust, and integrity, it can create a ripples that extends far beyond the walls of your business.



February is kindness month. What can you do in your team to Pay It Forward?


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What Gets in the Way of Communication?

In the book The Orange Revolution by Gostick and Elton, they identify communication barriers, such as:

- Talking in innuendos (and hoping people get the point or read between the lines)

- Finger pointing and assigning blame

- Pushing a negative agenda and building allies

- Minimizing or down playing serious situations

- Withholding information or ideas


What gets in the way of team communication in your place of work?


Teams that don’t fall into these communication traps are much more likely to collaborate, build trust and effectively manage the challenges that come their way.


Three ways to enhance team communication:


- Speak with Respect, Clarity, and Focus

- Question that which you don’t understand

- Avoid assumptions and especially be aware not to act on assumptions

When communication falls off the track, take a moment to refocus. Don’t let emotions or assumptions take you further away from the issue at hand. The extra time you take to communicate with clarity will save you time dealing with bigger challenges later on.