The Power of Our Words– They Really Impact our Outcomes

One of my favorite quotes, is by an unknown author, and really reminds us of the importance of our words.
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
This quote implies that to change our words, you need to change your thoughts. As an expert in facilitating difficult conversations, I can say how true this is. I watched many people express what their “inside voice” was saying, and in many cases, it exasperated the situation. As you know, the inside voice sometimes says what we are feeling, and can be quite reactive.
Here are five tips to ensuring that you mean what you say and say what you mean:
• Think first…really think before making a statement.
• Ask yourself “would I want to be on the receiving end of what I am about to say?” If not, change the statement.
• Focus on the issue, not the person.
• Ask questions to avoid making inaccurate assumptions or statements that fuel the conversation instead of defuse it.
• Use affirmative language and avoid words like “should of”, “never” and “always”.

We all have a story

Isn’t that a true statement? We all have a story…the stories are different from person to person but we all have a story. Our stories, our experiences, shape how we see life, and thus how we respond to it.

I have met some incredible people whose story is about overcoming the odds, surviving a catastrophe, recovering from a serious medical scare etc.

How they live the story is what I notice the most. Some people relive the crisis, the drama in every area of their life. Every present day experience is somehow an extension of the past. Others have created new chapters and are not stuck in one chapter of their life. Rather, they learned and moved forward.

What is your story? Are you continuing the story through continual chapter additions, or are you writing a new story?

Thoughts are more powerful than we may know

Our thoughts play a big role in both personal and business resilience. Our thought patterns can have impact on how well we bounce forward through crisis, change, challenge and conflict.
Research indicates that we have about 60,000 thoughts each day, no wonder we are tired at bed time. That is a large number, what is most surprising is that the majority of the thoughts we think, unless we are highly alert and present, are negative and self defeating type thoughts. Our thoughts jump around from one subject to another. We can probably all relate to how difficult it is to stop the mental tape from playing over and over again in our mind. Think about a time you made a less than favorable decision, didn’t word your perspective in a constructive manner or perhaps a conflict was not well managed. How much time did you spend playing the tape over and over again?
Managing our thoughts requires us to be alert, present and mindful. This means we must be mindful of not only what we are thinking but also what we are doing. Being mindful not only helps us remain resilient, it helps us communicate effectively and bounce forward through difficult times.
What are you doing to practice mindfulness?

Resilience on the Run

Recently someone asked me “How do you stay resilient when you are on the run?” What a fabulous question! Much of my life is spent in a car, on a plane, a hotel room or in front of an audience. When sleeping and habits are disrupted, how do you stay resilient?

Let’s start with what not to do:

• Don’t eat late at night if you can avoid it


• Don’t get a hotel room by the elevator, ice machine or vending machines


• Don’t create schedules that are such tight timelines that there is no room for flexibility

What can you do to stay resilient on the run?

• Use the time on planes and in airports to catch up on reading


• Bring healthy snacks and drink lots of water


• Most hotels have gyms or pools, a great way to get some physical exercise and keep your fitness routine


• Enjoy the time on the plane or at the airport chatting with people, you never know who is sitting beside you!

The Power of a Question

After years of mediating disputes, and facilitating teams through conversation and planning, I have learned the power of the question.

In a conversation, when one individual makes an accusation, blame statement, judgment or inaccurate assumption, the typical human response is to defend, retaliate or react (with some form of a verbal jab). Each of these will likely be met with a defensive response which then takes the focus off the issue, and the conversation runs the risk of being derailed.

Instead of firing back a defensive comment, verbal jab or blame, ask a question. Here are four questions that can move the dialogue to be more successful.

- When you said _______, what did you mean by that?

- Tell me more about what you mean about ________

- How does ______ connect with the issue of ___________?

- Help me understand…

The Secret in Life – is there one?

Norman Vincent Peale says "The secret of life is not what happens to you, but what you do with what happens to you."

I love this quote, and have seen this be a blueprint for disaster and success in business. Life and business often sends us curveballs to deal with that is a fact of life. How we deal with life’s situations is what becomes really important. The first step in changing how we deal with life’s situations is changing how we see the situation. This of course is easier said than done.

Many years ago, one of my mentors, Dr. James T. Reese, said “sometimes the way you see the problem IS the problem”. It took a while for this statement to gel in my mind but when it did I remember thinking “WOW! That is so true.” It answered the question why in a workplace situation that involves two or more people, sometimes the problem exists only for one person. I was reminded of this again when I was a mediator, facilitating the resolution of corporate disputes and workplace conflict. Often the real difficulty was rooted in the way that each person viewed the situation.

Just to highlight this point, picture a book in your mind. How many sides does it have? Some people say two, a front and a back. Others say six – the front, the back, top, outside and bottom. Others say eight, open the book up and you have two more sides then you did for the previous answer. The point is that a book on the surface may look like it has two sides, and workplace events may also appear that way until you really zero in and see if you can look at the situation a little differently. Sometimes when you look at the situation with a different perspective, you invite a solution that wasn’t obvious until you looked at it in a new way.

What can you do this week to look at challenges in having more than two sides?

Oh Oh! Your attitude is showing.

As a speaker at conferences, team events, meetings and forums, get the pleasure of looking out at the audience as I present. I am always fascinated by what people are saying without saying anything at all.

While I was waiting to be introduced a while back as I had arrived early, I had the opportunity to watch the large group of employees listening to their upper managers present some changes that would occur in the workplace. The conversations that took place amongst the employees, without any words, were very telling.

There was the “told you so” face, a colleague indicating to the person next to them that they knew this would happen or perhaps doubted the intention behind the message. There were many “they can’t do this to us” looks exchanged between wide eyed and unhappy employees. There was also the arm crossed “go ahead… see if you can get me to buy in” look. There was also the whispering “how dare they, don’t they know who they are talking to?” and, there were lots of smiles and “Finally! YES! I’ll buy in, anything to make this place a better place” look. Often we become distracted by the few individuals, the 20%, whose attitude is showing the loudest, instead of focusing on the 80% whose attitude will actually help the situation at hand.

If we could all walk around with a mirror attached to our neck, we’d have the advantage of seeing what messages our face sends to others, and being warned much earlier when our attitude is showing. You see, in situations of conversation gone bad, often the root cause is reactions to non verbals.

Three tips to respond to people’s attitude showing:

· Ask questions instead of making an assumption. If you are not certain what a non-verbal gesture or look means, ask. There is a likelihood that the individual is not even aware that his/her attitude is showing.

· Resist the temptation to let your attitude follow theirs, unless of course it is a positive one!

· Be curious! When you are curious, you can explore what is behind their non verbal communication or attitude that is showing.

Choosing a response – not a reaction

In life, business and work, it often seems like situations arise that you have no control over, or that we have boxed ourselves in a corner, and you are right! There are many events that will challenge you in terms of your response. Your choice about the directions you take or action you apply may be limited. The choices of thoughts you think, are not. Choose well- thoughts that support you on your journey.

Think about it this way, we carefully choose what we will eat for dinner, the restaurants we go to, the clothes we wear, the programs we watch on TV, who we spend time with and we also need to carefully choosing our thoughts, and focus on what we can control.

Five tips to choosing steps to success:

• Decide that while you may not have control over what happens, you can control how you respond


• Pay attention, close attention, to the thoughts that run through your mind. When negative thoughts arise, reframe to a more positive or optimistic line of thinking


• Reframe your thinking:




• Instead of looking at why something could fail, explore the ways in which it may succeed


• Instead of justifying why you can’t do something, consider what you could do


• Rather than looking at what is not working, review what is working


• Instead of finding someone to blame, find a solution


• Change your words – and change your outcome. Avoid words like shoulda, woulda, and can’t


• Instead of asking for someone’s ear to vent to, ask for someone’s mind to help find a solution

Is your team a flock of seagulls or a flock of geese?

The snow has finally melted, in May, and the lake is cold but blue. As we sat outside at our cottage on Lac La Biche lake, several flocks of seagulls flew overhead. It looked and sounded like organized (or not) chaos in the sky. There was a lot of activity and noise.
The flock of geese on the other hand, was graceful, in formation, and flew in a “V” with a leader at the front. As the leader tired, he slowed down to pass the baton and allow another to take the lead. With the flock of seagulls it was not apparent which one was the leader. It was a noisy busy formation that seemed to lack order, leadership and a direction.
Taking this analogy into the workplace, how would you describe your team? Is your team a flock of seagulls or a flock of geese? There are a few similarities- both have energy and were working very hard. The difference was that the flock of geese expended their energy on a focused destination whereas the seagulls seemed to by flying all over the place without any direction in mind.
Three strategies to move your team from flying like seagulls to flying like geese:
• Ensure that you tap into the informal leaders in the team and build leadership skills within the team through training, coaching, mentoring and practice.
• Have a goal, a destination, and road map or strategic plan.
• Implement resilience building strategies so your team can bounce forward during change, challenge, crisis or new situations.
Helping your team become high flyers is a gift to them, and to the business!

Reality Show -- What would yours be?

There are so many reality shows these days, and I must admit that there are a few I enjoy. If your life or business became a reality show, what would it tell others about you? What would you do differently and why?

If you were approached to have your life or business appear in a fishbowl for a reality show, I am certain five things would happen:

· You would START following through and doing the things you say you need to do

· You would STOP doing things you know are not helpful, productive or that don’t serve a purpose

· You would CHANGE habits that are not reflective of the person or team you wish to be seen as

· You would MAKE adjustments in your performance

· You would DO some fix ups, Re-Organize, De-Clutter

So why does it take a TV crew coming into your life or business to shake us up enough to make the change? Sometimes we work best when the stakes are high. Accountability helps you complete what needs to be accomplished but it also serves to protect you (and your business).

Here are three steps to being more accountable to yourself, your business and life.

· Use an effective and respectful process to identify undesirable behaviors and do something about it

· Be clear on your goal, and the required action. Develop a plan and make a commitment to the plan. Then, tell someone. We are less likely to break commitments when we have told others.

· Find an accountability partner.

Snow in May brings new perspectives

Well on May 4, 2010 it was snowing in Alberta! That is one lesson I have learned from living in this province, winter can come at any time of the year, even during spring and summer. Life is like this as well, full of change which simply a disguised opportunity for growth and learning. When we approach change in that way instead of an irritation or catastrophe, it is likely we will deal with it in a more constructive and healthy manner. When the snow arrives in May, it makes me think that winter is not finished, just like in life situations arise telling us we are not done yet. What do you still need to learn about this situation that has arisen one more time?

Here are five tips for embracing life’s lessons as opportunities:

- Reframe your thoughts. Instead of saying “why does this always happen to me?” replace it with “what do I still need to learn about this?”

- Be open to change and learning. When you are not open, it is a form of resistance, and as long as you are resisting, it will feel like you are receiving resistance back.

- Adopt an attitude that change is a part of life. When you go through life with this attitude, it is less of a shock when change happens.

- Say “no” to being a victim to life’s circumstances. When we choose a victim attitude, it means that we avoid responsibility for our thoughts, actions and outcomes. Being a victim, generally results in blaming others.

- Focus on what you can control and influence and put the rest aside.

- Okay, one bonus tip- celebrate your successes and hang onto your wins, these will be the fuel to take you through the next change or learning…which is just around the corner.

What goes around comes around -- does it really?

While consulting with a team, a long term employee made a loudly announced statement “what goes around comes around”, it was my belief that she meant something like “buddy has been a jerk and treats us poorly. In time he’ll get his.”

The challenge with this thinking is it does not help you bounce forward and be resilient; in fact, it often causes us to stay in the problem instead of the solution. People who wait for the person to “get what was coming to them” often wait a lifetime, or if this actually occurs, it does not produce the results that were anticipated. This thinking brings about an expectation that someone will recognize when the shoe is on the other foot. Essentially the expectation is that the individual will somehow mind read or read between the lines and make miraculous changes when they are treated in a way that they treated someone else.

I have met many people who treat people poorly, and when the shoe is on the other foot they lash out to blame, wonder what happened, and continue with the same behavior they always did. What can be more helpful is to bring forth the concern to the individual, and give that individual the opportunity to make change.

Are you carrying a chip or a sack of rocks?

John A. Hannah stated “The greatest ability in business is to get along with others and influence their actions. A chip on the shoulder is too heavy a piece of baggage to carry through life.”

Carrying a chip on the shoulder will definitely impair one’s resilience and bounce forward abilities. It is tough to be resilient and carry a chip on the shoulder. We’ve all met individuals who seem to have a pretty big chip on their shoulder, perhaps in the form of anger, blame, grudge or grievance. Perhaps we have been this person at some time in our life.

A grudge or chip on one’s shoulder is often an indication that there is unfinished business. How can one resolve the business and get on with life grudge free?

· Consciously and intentionally make the decision not to carry a grudge or chip on the shoulder.

· Put the energy spent on carrying the grudge to carrying some form of resolution. If you cannot resolve it with the person, seek another way to resolve the issue and make a positive difference.

· Recognize that the past cannot be undone. It is what it is, so putting energy and emotion into creating a better future is a far better option.

· If in conversation with someone who holds a grudge turn the questions and blame from past to future. For example, if a person says “you shouldn’t have treated me that way.” Ask “how in future would you prefer others treat you?”

Instead of carrying a bunch of chips, which are like stones, stand atop of them, the load is much lighter and the view is far better!